| Although it's brought me that much closer to | | | | with whom I come into contact, "Thanks, that's |
| transforming into worm food, I've found that | | | | great." Though probably 500 of them have looked |
| turning sixty is not without its compensations. | | | | at me in a very askance kind of way-and one, |
| While it's true, for example, that my member isn't | | | | I'm not sure why exactly, punched me in the |
| getting a proper supply of blood anymore-and | | | | stomach-I've gotten six lunches doing this that I |
| that I can no longer write my name in the sand | | | | would otherwise have missed out on. Not to |
| and must settle for my initials-I can still have lots | | | | mention a free ticket to a Robert Goulet concert!) |
| of fun with it. Thanks to a prostate gland the | | | | But if the benefits and drawbacks of my hearing |
| Museum of Humongous Prostate Glands has | | | | impairment are more or less equal, the short-term |
| already put in a bid for when I buy the farm, my | | | | memory loss that's accompanied my |
| urine stream now bifurcates at the exit point. This | | | | sexagenarianism has a plus side that actually |
| means that I can pee into the toilet and the | | | | outweighs its minus side. I'm speaking, of course, |
| adjacent bathtub at the same time-which is a | | | | of the guarantee it can afford me that a movie |
| kick. My urologist says that while he can make no | | | | I'm going to will be a good one. I'll notice, for |
| promises, there's a good chance that in the not | | | | instance, an ad for a movie and tell a friend about |
| too distant future I'll be capable of TRIfurcating. | | | | it. The friend will advise me that I saw the movie |
| This will enable me to pee in the toilet, the | | | | just a week ago. I'll ask him if I liked it and if he |
| bathtub AND the laundry basket simultaneously. | | | | says, "Yeah, you couldn't stop talking about it," I'll |
| I can't wait. | | | | think, hey, how often does a movie come with |
| And by making it possible to legitimately ignore | | | | THAT kind of recommendation and I'll go |
| questions that have always annoyed the hell out | | | | immediately to see it. I'm told that I've seen "Pearl |
| of me ("When are you getting a job?" is a | | | | Harbor" eight times now. |
| persistent one that's never failed to spill some | | | | (I might add here that my short-term memory |
| really nasty chemicals in my brain), my newly | | | | loss in no way affects my ability to remember |
| developed hearing loss has a terrific upside as well. | | | | the last time I had sex.) |
| Not, to be sure, that its downside isn't just as | | | | But of the many compensatory rewards that |
| major. I mean, how many invitations to lunch | | | | turning sixty provides, there's one that I value |
| have I blown? How many people have said, "Let | | | | most of all. Although I can still croak at a |
| me buy you lunch," and I've said in reply, "But we | | | | RELATIVELY early age, I'll be spared the |
| still don't have Bin Laden"? (As thorny as this | | | | embarrassment of expiring at a TRAGICALLY |
| problem is, I've managed to ease it somewhat by | | | | early age. |
| saying, maybe a dozen times a day to people | | | | |